I am a whole and complete person , but my soul dances with his and without him my soul forgets how to dance.

How do I say this .. How do I get everything out of my head ? It's killing me . Every little thing adds up it starts with that voice in my head that says ,

She doesn't like you

You are so stupid

He doesn't want you anymore

Your not attractive why do you try?

When will you grow up 

When will u stopped being depressed 

You don't deserve that 

You don't belong

God will never accept you 

You will get no where in life

The world will never understand you 

You can't be like her 

You don't have the money

 Your not smart enough

Your too skinny

Your too fat

You ruin everything

People hate you

You hate you

You should just kill yourself

         I prayed and cried in my car for someone to understand for someone to love me for a friend who cares about me  . I cried to God for it. I begged for it . Because I hate myself for all of those thoughts every single one of them. I can't seem to piece myself together anymore . After all the moves and changes I just get worse and worse .  I miss feeling happy .  Everyone thinks I'm dramatic and I am . But what they don't understand is how can you live with yourself when everything you do makes you want to hate yourself . 

          It's not fair to the other people in my life . And even the people that love me , I can't love them back because I'm so torn up inside and when I try they can't love me back because I'm no longer someone they want to deal with .  It's dumb how alone I feel . I feel so alone with all these people and so unloved that I believe if I was alone someone with no one I would feel less alone and more like a person . Somewhere no one knows me, somewhere far away . So I can leave everything behind . I fight with the person I love . I've hit him and bite him with out realizing it because I'm fighting a battle with myself . And I think I'm losing .

Well i told my guy friend how i felt this morning (we will just say his name is Conrad) . He is a really sweet guy, he hunts, does some fishing, has a couple horses, he is fun to be around, and its almost refreshing, hes not like my ex, hes quieter but more manly, hes only had 2 girlfriends his whole life, and hes shy. He offered his bed to me last night when i was kinda drunk, and tired, i went to bed early in his bed and i got woken up by him coming in, and hes about to make a bed on the floor, and honestly i appreciated the respect he had given me, the floor is not comfy, so i told him to get up there with me and we cuddled each other. or mainly i cuddled with him and then he eventually gave in and cuddled with me haha. And i think i needed that, i needed to be cuddled, it felt nice... and in the morning, we laughed and talked and i just came out with how i had a crush on him.. and that also felt nice, it was out of my comfort zone, all of it, I've never felt better about myself. I'm starting to gain confidence in myself and i LOVE it. And i love my friends, i don't think I've ever felt so loved by a group of friends before. They are seriously such awesome people, and i wouldn't trade them for anyone else. they are sweet, encouraging, and damn awesome to get drunk with haha, but the are also caring, when we fall asleep in their couch they put a pillow and a blanket over us.  if we need help they are there on the dot. i pretty damn happy about it all.

2015-17 bucketlist

places to go:
1.The haggart Observattory
join an astronomy club
2. sledding
3. snowboarding
4.McCall
5. visit 4 different hotsprings
6. hunter ed
7. buy my first gun
8. Take 7 hiking trips this spring
9. build a snowman
10.take a drive
11.kiss 5 different people
12. keep a gpa above 3.2
13. visit twin falls
14. play 2 new board games
15. ZIPPPP LINE !!!!
16. girls camp trip
17. Kiss conner
18. visit texas
19. go to cali
20.scuba dive
21.go back to rhode island
22. have clam chowder there
23. ROAD TRIP.
24. be a vegetarian for two weeks
25. not get in a fight with my bestfriend
26. to love my bestfriend unconditionally
27. a date with my beautiful mother
28. move out
29. build a savings
30. buy a four wheeler

if only i knew where to begin.
if only i knew how to love.
i was thinking about how quickly the heart changes, its often worse than the mind.
breaking up with Jake was one of the hardest things to do, but i had to do it..
we were driving around and he was holding my hand, he was looking at me with so much love and admiration. and my heart hurt just looking at him. i knew right then and there that i could not keep it in any longer, because i had just realized not only do i hurt myself by not being honest, in the end I am hurting him. he deserves all his dreams, he deserves the world, he is the sweetest, gentlest man i know, and here i was stringing him along . It wasn't fair. So i told him to pull in somewhere and we talked. i let it all out. i told him that i didn't know if i loved him the way he deserved, i told him that I am still so young and have my whole 20s to explore . I said every single thing i was thinking. because weather it hurts or not for him to hear it, he needed to know, he needs the truth. at the end of it all, we made the best of the rest of the day. we are still holding onto our friendship but i don't know how much longer we can.... i still love him in a sense. i still feel like i need him. and i know i have to let him go completely, but i just don't know if i can. i feel heartbroken but at the same time i am so excited to explore myself, and my ambitions, when spring comes everything is going to change, i am excited to hike through the mountains, and see gorgeous things, to get in touch with my inner-self again, to feel the passion and wonder i have for nature. I get lost in love, i forget who i am and what i want, and i almost wonder if the problem lies in the fact i haven't yet fully found myself.
 Some people find fulfillment in children and marriage,  i know i would enjoy those things, but i also know i still wouldn't be happy with myself . realizing all that, has changed me, I feel like i have finally found my first step in becoming who i am since i moved here, and my beautiful beginning has started with a heartbreak.

 

I recently bought a new camera, i went on a camping trip up at deadwood in idaho for a weekend. I felt so relaxed and at home up there. I just wanted to sit there forever and never leave. i used my new camera to my advantage. Theres alot a Nikon can do. And i LOVE it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair like a Lion

 

My hair never does what I want it to, it drives me nuts.  No matter what I do to it , at the end of the day it ends up like this. I guess I should learn to love it?