if only i knew where to begin.
if only i knew how to love.
i was thinking about how quickly the heart changes, its often worse than the mind.
breaking up with Jake was one of the hardest things to do, but i had to do it..
we were driving around and he was holding my hand, he was looking at me with so much love and admiration. and my heart hurt just looking at him. i knew right then and there that i could not keep it in any longer, because i had just realized not only do i hurt myself by not being honest, in the end I am hurting him. he deserves all his dreams, he deserves the world, he is the sweetest, gentlest man i know, and here i was stringing him along . It wasn't fair. So i told him to pull in somewhere and we talked. i let it all out. i told him that i didn't know if i loved him the way he deserved, i told him that I am still so young and have my whole 20s to explore . I said every single thing i was thinking. because weather it hurts or not for him to hear it, he needed to know, he needs the truth. at the end of it all, we made the best of the rest of the day. we are still holding onto our friendship but i don't know how much longer we can.... i still love him in a sense. i still feel like i need him. and i know i have to let him go completely, but i just don't know if i can. i feel heartbroken but at the same time i am so excited to explore myself, and my ambitions, when spring comes everything is going to change, i am excited to hike through the mountains, and see gorgeous things, to get in touch with my inner-self again, to feel the passion and wonder i have for nature. I get lost in love, i forget who i am and what i want, and i almost wonder if the problem lies in the fact i haven't yet fully found myself.
 Some people find fulfillment in children and marriage,  i know i would enjoy those things, but i also know i still wouldn't be happy with myself . realizing all that, has changed me, I feel like i have finally found my first step in becoming who i am since i moved here, and my beautiful beginning has started with a heartbreak.